The Power of Y.O.U. and Outsmarting Difficult People

In life, you’re bound to run into “difficult people,” those who create tension and can be inflexible or crude. However, despite the unpleasant interactions, it’s best to retain your composure and not let your frustrations get the best of you.

Plus, without “taking the bait,” you can approach the situation with maturity, readiness and the feeling of empowerment, rather than exhaustion. 

So how do you do this?

First, simply think: “Accept them; change me.” That means remaining neutral and seeing them for who they are and realizing you can’t change their tune—you can only work on bettering yourself and deflecting their provocation.

Second, take note of your triggers and use self-scrutiny to determine how you’d like to manage them—a great read by Marshall Goldsmith and Mark Reiter is Triggers: Creating Behavior That Lasts, Becoming the Person You Want to Be. 

Following are four types of “difficult people” to be wary of, and how best to win, when you’re set up to lose.

The Bully

The office bully leads with hostility, intimidation and threats. They tend to be cynical and stubborn, never keen to admit when wrong or back down during public arguments. It’s best to confront the “bully” in private and speak frankly, with facts and a general calm, sternness to get your point across.

The bully might be found in a corner office or buried under a computer, refusing to form meaningful, positive relationships with the team. They will be seen as brooders, keeping people at a distance.

Here’s a client success story: After three years of coming home from work anxious and drained, my client Jim decided to stand up to his boss’ bully behavior. Together we came up with a plan where he documented every incident of verbal abuse and egregious behavior. He submitted his chain of incidents to the company ombudsman, and an investigation ensued for almost 6 months. 8 months later the boss imploded and ended up getting fired. Jim remained on the job, the victor in the end.

The Whiner

No one likes a crybaby or complainer, but these victim types exist everywhere in the workplace. Here’s how to spot one: They will most likely blame others and search for slights, finding them intentional and directed, and then exacerbate the outcome in their minds. Feeling rejected, they often try to escape responsibility for their own performance and likely carry a chip on their shoulder.

Here’s a client success story: Bob was struggling to give honest feedback to his subordinate Susan for her sub-par performance and lack of solution-focused attitude. Fed up, we came up with a 90-day plan using a positive discipline technique. Bob gave Susan feedback she needed to turn the situation around and a choice. He offered her a week off to reflect and to decide if she was willing to work 100% at improving her performance, or if she preferred to resign. By giving her the choice, he empowered her to own the decision and take responsibility for her future. It worked; a week later she informed Bob she’d embrace the program, and 90 days later, her “can do” attitude was evident. Being accountable for her turnaround earned her a promotion the following year. 

The Control Freak

Seen as having a trace of neuroticism, the control freak carries a nervous, pessimistic spirit and is quick to shoot down others’ ideas. A “naysayer,” the control freak is demanding and likes to be in charge, thinking no one else is fit for the job. They are resistant to others’ input, guidance and decisions. 

Unfortunately, this go-getter attitude comes with worry and negativity, where they start to question outcomes and assume the worst, making it exasperating to work with them. A solution? Download the app Headspace, as meditation can reduce stress and help you gather your thoughts before lashing out.

It can be hard to not fight for your own voice and strive to instill confidence in decisions; however, by taking a deep breath, listening to what’s said, and responding in a non-reactive, concise manner, you can diffuse the situation and establish a sense of trust—something the control freak needs desperately.

Here’s a client success story: June’s boss was controlling about everything, including lining up his paper clips and copying him on every email. Instead of resisting his demands, we decided she would serve up his requests on a silver platter. June’s boss ended up seeing her as a staunch ally and trustworthy right hand. June ended up with more visibility than she could imagine. Her boss became an amazing mentor and invited her to meetings with senior management to showcase her talents. 

The Egomaniac

For the egomaniac, the answer is always, “me, me, me.” They are often consumed by personal interests and take every bit of resistance as offensive. They also don’t compromise easily, valuing their own needs first and foremost. In work settings, these people are the ones who claim, “It’s my way or the highway,” and demand a final say on all matters.

What’s more, they tend to respond aggressively when their needs aren’t met or they face disagreement, as they feel they are always right and deserve unconditional praise.

When around this type of person, focus on them in the conversation, so they feel as though you have their best interest at heart and are trying to work with them. And, keep the dialogue short. The faster you can get out of the situation, the better.

Here’s a client success story: Samantha’s boss Chris was always out for his own career ambitions and consumed with “managing up.” Ultimately, she burned herself out trying to keep up with Chris’s never-ending demands to feed his ego. Samantha and I devised a strategy of radical self-care where her future would be “all about her.” Samantha established a three-year transition plan to exit her corporate role in marketing and move into a more low-key career for semi-retirement. While she gave her best at work with limits, outside of work she concentrated on earning her master’s in library science. According to plan, she retired with a generous exit package and landed a wonderful new job at 59 that fit the lifestyle she craved. By focusing on her own needs, Samantha avoided the trap of being a slave to Chris’s egocentric demands.

So remember with all “difficult types”—pause, be aware of personal triggers, and respond with careful thought, rather than hasty emotion.

Please feel free to leave any comments or personal stories. Helping others find their way is what inspires me to do my life’s work.